Blogging about death seems so emo kid and trite - I hope to avoid that trope in this post. The experience of death of another is such an odd occurrence. No string of adjectives can adequately explain it - mostly because each person's encounter with death is intimate whether we want it to be or not. We all remember the first time we become aware that someone we know had died: For me is was the suicide of my mother's best friend when I was six. I saw my first body when I was sixteen while I was working at a television station - the body was previously a transient middle-aged male who a week earlier had been hit by a train and had since laid in the Texas heat for seven days before being discovered. They say you never forget the smell of a rotting corpse - unfortunately its true. Several years later I would see the dead bodies of my grandmother and grandfather. I held my stepmother's hand as she took her last breaths. Eleven months later I saw my brother's dead body - correction, I didn't just see Zach's body I I helped prepare him for burial according to Jewish custom...
I debated how I would approach this particular topic and decided I would explain the practices my family opted to incorporate into my stepmother's and brother's deaths as opposed to a "comprehensive" listing of Jewish mourning practices. Jewish burial practices vary depending on several factors: The level of religious observance by the deceased; how the person died (a person who commits suicide does not receive the same treatment as a "regular" death); the branch of Judaism the person belongs to; and lastly the personal wishes of the deceased and his/her family. At the end of the post I will include several links that will help explain certain aspects better than I can and will also include rituals my family does not observe. For this post I utilized several online sites, books I own on Jewish practices and customs, and my own limited knowledge.
For all intents and purposes my Jewish family identifies as belonging to the Reform branch of Judaism. In a nutshell Reform Jews are not required to practice the strictest laws of Torah as opposed to the Conservative and Orthodox branches. Therefore a Reform Jew has much more leeway when it comes to burial practices. That said, my stepmother opted for a mostly traditional burial, as a family we decided to bury Zach much the same way.
BEFORE THE BURIAL
One of the first issues is deciding when the funeral is to be held. Jewish custom is ASAP, but a delay of no more than 3 days is considered acceptable. There are several reasons for this time-frame; 1) It's tradition going back as far as anyone can locate Jewish records. But why? There are several possibilities. Judaism was in the Middle East for thousands of years and the Middle East gets hot. What happens to a body that lays exposed to the heat? I alluded to it above. 2) Jews don't allow embalming because we believe it is a desecration of the body - cremation and autopsies are also considered desecrations of the body.
The period of time between death and burial is called anninut and the bereaved is called an onen. The prime responsibility of the onen is to arrange the funeral. During this time, an onen is exempt from positive religious obligations. As such, prayer is not obligatory at this time. However, an onen who finds it helpful to express feelings through prayers may do so. Only relatives or very close friends should visit during this time, primarily to help make arrangements for the funeral and shivah. After the funeral, a mourner is known as an avel. One is a mourner by obligation for parents, children, siblings or spouse. However, anyone is allowed to observe the mourning rites.
Before the met (the deceased) is dressed for burial, we observe the ritual of tahara, ritual washing, done by the hevra kadisha, the Holy Society. Additionally we dress the body only in traditional burial shrouds, takhrikhin, which are simple white garments along with a yarmulke or kippuh on their heads and we spread some earth from Israel in the bottom of the casket. Lastly, a simple wooden casket is preferred -an ornate all-wood casket, though ritually acceptable, is not in the spirit of the law. Zach and his mother's caskets were simple all wood caskets with a Star of David on the top. These are not things the coroner does, these are things we did. My wife helped prepare my stepmother's body for burial and my middle brother and I helped prepare Zach's body.
A few minutes before the funeral begins, the first formal act of mourning, kriah, the tearing of one's garment or a ribbon, takes place. Kriah is a centuries old symbol of inner grief and mourning. Mourners stand as they perform it, showing we face grief directly and that we will survive, even without our beloved departed. Before the cut is made, mourners say the words of Job, "The Lord has given and the Lord has taken, blessed be the Name of the Lord," and recite a brakha which is a reaffirmation of faith. We all wore ribbons, and as it is customary to grieve an entire year for a parent, Zach was wearing his kriah ribbon when he was killed.
THE FUNERAL SERVICE
A funeral can be held at graveside or the Synagogue and both Zach and his mother's funerals were held at the grave site. A service held only at graveside includes the same elements as those begun at another location. It is shorter because certain elements are repeated when a service is held in two locations. A graveside funeral is no less dignified nor less giving of honor to the deceased than any other service. The funeral service is brief. Selections are read from Psalms and a eulogy, depicting the life of the deceased as a guide for the living, is presented. El maleh rahamim, which expresses our faith in the immortality of the soul, is recited on most days. Once at graveside, the service consists of recitation of tziduk ha-din, a prayer which expresses our acceptance of God's decisions, followed by the recitation of kaddish and el maleh.
After the casket is fully in the grave, the interment is begun by shoveling some earth into the grave. This mitzvah, is known as hesed shel emet - true loving-kindness. This mitzvah demonstrates our continuing concern for the deceased as we make sure the final journey of the met is completed.
SHIVA
The next phase is Shivah. Shivah lasts seven days and the day of the funeral is the first day and one hour of the seventh day counts as a full day. Shivah is suspended at 1:00 Friday afternoon and is resumed after Shabbat is over. The shivah period begins after the interment with a simple meal, the seudat havra'ah, the meal of consolation. There is a custom to rinse one's hands with water before entering the house for the meal. This meal, traditionally provided by family and friends for the mourners, is not meant to serve as a social following the funeral. Since it is a time to rest and contemplate the day's events, only family and closest of friends should attend. A party-like atmosphere should not be allowed to develop - which is more difficult than you might think.
Men aren't supposed to shave and should practice only minimal hygiene. Kaddish is recited daily, the mirrors in the house are all covered, and many more customs that I don't remember are implemented during these seven days.
SHLOSHIM
This next stage last for 30 days after the burial, or 23 days after finishing shiva. It allows for a gradual re-entry into everyday life. Again, there are many laws and customs - we continued to wear our khria ribbons, I didn't shave, and I continued to recite kaddish daily.
YARRZEIT
Yahrzeit is observed each year on the date of death according to the Hebrew calendar. Therefore, the timing of Yahrzeit on the secular calendar will vary from year to year. The name(s) of the deceased are read at the appropriate evening service and at the Friday evening service the week before the Yahrzeit, if those who observe Yahrzeit are present and request it.
The Yahrzeit observance lasts a full day and it is customary to attend services on the evening Yahrzeit begins as well as the morning and afternoon of the next day. Those who come to observe Yahrzeit recite kaddish as part of the daily service and may lead portions of the service.
Additionally, it is traditional to make contributions to charity on Yahrzeit.
Perhaps the best known custom for observing Yahrzeit is lighting of a candle made to burn for at least 24 hours. The candle is lit the evening Yahrzeit begins. If Yahrzeit falls on Shabbat or Yom Tov, the candle is lit before the Shabbat or holiday candles. Although there is no formal blessing when lighting the candle, a meditation and/or Kaddish may be said. Kaddish is a special prayer and perhaps deserving of its own blog post.
LINKS FOR MORE INFORMATION
http://www.chabad.org/library/article.asp?AID=281541
http://www.jewfaq.org/death.htm
http://www.interfaithfamily.com/site/apps/nl/content2.asp?c=ekLSK5MLIrG&b=297374&ct=323822
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